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Alastair McDonald - Oor Hamlet lyrics
There was this king sittin' in his gairden aw alane When his brother drapped intae his ear a wee tate o henbane Then he stole his brother's crown and his money and his widow But the deid king walked and goat his son and said, "Hey, listen, kiddo Ah've been killt and it's your duty to get revenge on Claudius Kill him clean and quick and show the nation whit a fraud he is" The boay says, "Right, Ah'll dae it but ah'll have tae play it crafty So that naeb'dy will suspect me, Ah'll kid oan that Ah'm a dafty" So to aw except Horatio, his beloved trusted friend Hamlet, that's the boay, kids oan he's roon the bend And because he wisnae ready for obligatory killin' He convinced the King, his uncle, he was taepence tae the shillin' Took the mickey oot Polonius, treatit poor Ophelia vile Tellt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern that Denmark was a jile Then a troupe o travellin' actors, like 7:84 Arrived to dae a special wan-night gig in sunny Elsinore Hamlet, Hamlet loved his mammy Hamlet, Hamlet actin' balmy Hamlet, Hamlet hesitatin' Wonders if the ghost's a cheat and that is why he's waiting So then Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact While Horatio and him would watch to see if Claudius cracked The play was ca'd The Mousetrap, no the wan that's runnin' noo And sure enough the king walked oot afore the play was through So Hamlet's goat the proof that Claudius gi'ed his da a fatal dose The only problem bein' noo that Claudius knows that Hamlet knows When Hamlet tells his mammy her new husband's no a fit wan Uncle Claud pits oot a contract wi the English king as hitman Then when Hamlet stabbed Polonius the concealed Corpus Delecti Was the king's excuse to send him for an English hempen necktie Wi Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to make sure he goat there Ah But Hamlet jumped the boat and pit the finger oan that pair Meanwhile Laertes heard his da had been stabbed through that arras He cam racin' back to Elsinore, hot-foot, tout-suite, fae Paris And Ophelia wi her da killt by the man she wished to marry Efter sayin' it wi flooers, she committit hari-kari Hamlet, Hamlet Ohh-nae messin' Hamlet, Hamlet learnt his lesson Hamlet, Hamlet, Ah'l ask for Yorick's crust Has convinced him that men, good or bad, some day must come to dust Then Laertes loast the place and was demandin' retribution So the king said, "Keep the heid an' Ah'll provide ye a solution" And he arranged a sword fight for the interestit pairties Wi a bluntit sword for Hamlet and a shairp wan for Laertes To make things double certain, the auld belt-and-braces line He fixed a poisont sword-tip and a poisont cup o wine The poisont sword goat Hamlet, but Laertes went an' muffed it 'Cause he goat stabbed hissel and then confessed afore he snuffed it Then Hamlet's mammy drank the wine and as her face turnt blue Hamlet says, "Ah quite believe the king's a baddie noo Incestuous, murderous, damned Dane!" he said tae be precise And made up for hesitatin' by killin' Claudius twice 'Cause he stabbed him wi the sword and forced the wine atween his lips Then he cried, "The rest is silence," that was Hamlet hud his chips They firet a volley ower him that shook the topmaist rafter And Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes, lived happy ever after Hamlet, Hamlet, aw the gory Hamlet, Hamlet, end of story Hamlet, Hamlet, Ah'm away If you think that that was borin' hoho, ye should read the play! |
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